Attachment Styles
Attachment theory is a psychological framework that explains how early interactions with primary caregivers shape our ability to form and maintain relationships throughout life. As infants, we form attachments to our primary caregivers to survive. The nature of these early bonds influences how we engage in relationships throughout our lifespan.
There are four main types of attachment styles:
Secure Attachment
People with secure attachment typically had caregivers who were consistently responsive, nurturing, and supportive. As a result, they develop a positive view of themselves and others. Securely attached individuals are comfortable with intimacy, trust, and dependence in relationships. They tend to manage conflicts constructively and maintain healthy emotional boundaries.
Anxious (Preoccupied) Attachment
This style often develops when caregivers are inconsistent—sometimes nurturing and other times unavailable or unpredictable. People with anxious attachment may have a strong desire for closeness but fear abandonment or rejection. They often seek constant reassurance from their partners and may exhibit clinginess or heightened sensitivity to perceived signs of disinterest or withdrawal.
Avoidant (Dismissive) Attachment
Avoidant attachment typically arises when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or overly focused on independence. These individuals often downplay the importance of relationships, value self-reliance, and avoid emotional vulnerability. They may struggle with intimacy and be uncomfortable depending on others or allowing others to depend on them.
Disorganized (Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment
This style results from caregivers who are a source of both comfort and fear, often due to abuse, neglect, or trauma. People with disorganized attachment experience conflicting desires for closeness and distance. They may oscillate between seeking connection and avoiding it, leading to confusion and instability in relationships.
Understanding attachment styles can help you recognize important patterns in your behavior and relationships, paving the way for personal growth and healthier connections. While attachment styles are shaped in childhood, they can evolve through self-awareness, therapy, and meaningful relational experiences. To further your growth, I particularly recommend the books Wired for Dating, which helps you understand how to evolve a healthier attachment style when it comes to romantic love, and Hold Me Tight, which is an education in healthy attachment for couples.
But how do attachment styles influence susceptibility to infidelity in marriage? In my work with clients, the lens of someone's individual attachment patterns is a powerful part of how I guide them toward personal wisdom and responsible growth. Remember that the following insights are generalizations meant to help you self-reflect, and they are not rules.
Those with a secure attachment style generally have a strong sense of trust and emotional stability, making them less likely to seek validation or intimacy outside the relationship. They tend to address relationship challenges through open communication and problem-solving, reducing the likelihood of straying. Their comfort with closeness and mutual dependence fosters a foundation of loyalty and emotional security.
In contrast, individuals with anxious attachment styles may be more prone to infidelity due to their intense fear of abandonment and a constant need for reassurance. They might seek external validation from others when they feel neglected or insecure in their primary relationship. This quest for emotional or physical connection outside the marriage can stem from a perception that their partner is not meeting their needs, even if this perception is based more on internal anxieties than reality.
Those with avoidant attachment styles may also exhibit a higher likelihood of infidelity, but for different reasons. Their discomfort with intimacy and tendency to prioritize independence can lead to emotional disengagement from their partner. They may seek affairs as a way to maintain emotional distance, avoid vulnerability, or reassert their autonomy. This detachment from the primary relationship can create an environment where unfaithful behavior feels less emotionally consequential to them. Understanding these dynamics highlights the importance of recognizing attachment styles to address relationship challenges and foster trust and commitment.
In my practice, as a general observation, the presence of underlying avoidant attachment patterns is a frequent pattern in my work with unfaithful spouses. It may be much more comfortable, safer, and more familiar to forge a new bond than stay the course in the marriage as it ebbs and flows across the lifespan.
Interestingly, a huge part of healing for many betrayed spouses and affair partners, involves healing anxious attachment styles. The intermittent roller-coaster type of that attachment pattern means that a person has become accustomed to, and maybe even recognizes as more familiar and comfortable, an irregular pattern of relationship attachment. This unpredictable, crumb-fed relationship foundation can manifest when you're an unknowing betrayed spouse AND an affair partner who can't seem to shake the wild ride of an affair bond.
I hope this article has been helpful in shedding light on how our attachment styles influence our relationship behaviors, and the experience of infidelity.
Lauren LaRusso, Founder and Coach, Lauren LaRusso Coaching

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