Unresolved Trauma and Our Vulnerability to Affairs
- Nov 13
- 2 min read
Unhealed trauma doesn’t arrive with an announcement; and it surely isn’t visible on our outsides. Usually, it's just something we live with... until it rears its head. And when we're in relationships – especially close ones – unresolved trauma often rears its head through our patterns of behavior. Infidelity can be one of them.
Unresolved trauma can make chaos feels like chemistry. It can make longing feel like love. I know I've been prone to this; and it was only when I dug deep that I revealed the early wounds that caused my adult relationship confusion.
Many of our bodies were wired by past abandonment and betrayal that can make stability and healthy love feel foreign, too. In this way, a marriage can seem "wrong" or "off" because of unresolved trauma, and instead, that person may be more easily drawn toward the intensity of an affair.
What seems like passion is really our nervous system recognizing the familiarity of confusion, intermittent reward, and the chase.
People with unresolved trauma often repeat what hurt them most, hoping to finally control the outcome. The affair can feel like a redo: This time, I’ll be the one who leaves; this time, I’ll be the one who decides. But no matter how the story plays out, the ending is the same: more shame, more confusion, more distance from what is truly needed, which is safety, trust, and belonging.
What To Do About ItReal healing happens when we stop trying to fix the past through new players in our life story. Once we can see the pattern clearly, we finally have the power to stop reenacting unhealed trauma and start repairing.
1. Work with a trauma-informed therapist who can help you connect the dots between past wounds and present choices.
2. Learn to recognize what safety feels like — in your body, your breath, and your relationships. I love the books “Wired for Love” and “The Body Keeps the Score” to help you learn what safety and unsafety feels like in the body.
3. Remind yourself that you’re ultimately the one who is meant to love yourself the most and the best. When there’s a pull for chaos or intensity, it’s usually your nervous system acting out old patterns. Read the book “You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For” to help yourself recognize this more clearly and respond to yourself with the care you’re searching for in someone else.
If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, one of our private membership communities, or schedule a confidential session.
