It's A Juicy Issue This Week: Secret Kink and Infidelity
- 36 minutes ago
- 3 min read
There’s a reason I’m titling this post “secret kink.” Because it’s not the kink that’s the issue, as much as it’s the secret that is. A lot of times infidelity begins with an important part of yourself you’ve kept tucked away because you believe that hiding it is keeping you safe from vulnerability, and your partner safe from the real you.
I was recently a guest on The Kink Consultant podcast to talk about the intersection of secret kink and infidelity, in the episode “Why People Cheat and What It Really Takes to Heal.” I recommend listening to that robust discussion. We discussed the impact of having a desire or kink you’ve judged, explained away, or convinced yourself your partner could never understand. And how the longer you hide it, the greater the potential crisis because of it.
Why? Because a person starts feeling split between who they are privately versus who they are "allowed to be" within their relationship (keep in mind if the kink is hidden, then their partner hasn't even had the opportunity to green or red-light anything! It's a self-decided "allowing"). Having hidden desires that feel integral to one's life satisfaction and full expression is what makes a person vulnerable to fulfilling it elsewhere.
The kink isn’t the problem. The shame around it, and the secrecy that results, is. Often, we learn very early on to hide our desires and interests because of internal and external shame messaging. But keeping our "embarrassing" desires private and hidden creates a distance that most people aren’t consciously aware they’re building until it explodes their life in some way.
Michelle and I work with clients around this issue regularly because of the crisis it creates. Fulfilling hidden desires becomes its own intoxicating, addicting cycle. The shame sexual expression leads to fulfilling it elsewhere; the shame about fulfilling it elsewhere creates its own shame cycle that keeps a person coming back for more. It’s a vicious cycle of compounding shame that they turn to us to help us untangle with them.
The scary truth is that intimacy in a relationship needs to be real. Even if honesty puts it at risk; you’ll never be known or know your partner fully without bringing your true self in. Your fears, edges, interests, and curiosities all belong in the conversation if you want a relationship that lasts (and avoids serious destruction).
Being honest about the parts of yourself that feel the most “out there” isn’t just about preventing infidelity. It’s about letting your partner actually know you, instead of loving your edited, limited version. Because when you’re loved for only the parts of yourself that you show? You feel it, and it’s a despairing conundrum to be in.
What To Do About It
Here are three important ways to move toward more honesty in your relationship:
1. Get clear with yourself first: What part of this desire feels hard to say? What are you afraid it means about you?
2. Lead with vulnerability, correct your usual performance: Try something like, “This feels awkward to bring up, but I want you to know me fully,” rather than dropping it like a bomb.
3. Make it a shared exploration. Instead of assuming their reaction (this is the pitfall that gets people in trouble), ask, “How does this land for you?” Curiosity creates connection, and connection reduces the space where secrets tend to grow. Read the book “The New Monogamy” together if you need help creating space for discussion and mutual discovery and negotiation of interests, needs, and relationship.
If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, one of our private membership communities, or schedule a confidential session.
