Is Negativity Underneath the Infidelity?

22 hours ago
3 min read

I keep seeing this clip of Mel Robbins saying "The best decision you can make is to marry a happy person." Well, that sounds nice, but these days it's collectively harder and harder for us to be happy. I found myself reflecting hard on her advice. What does that really mean, Mel? And why is that a magic ticket to marital success? I imagined some toxic positivity, golden-retriever-like person who is just always pleased. How many people are really like that? I wondered.

Then I realized that in my work, one of the greatest risk factors for infidelity is a person who is unhappy. There it is. I don't mean unhappy in their marriage, I mean unhappy as their default. Glass half empty. Quietly critical. Racking up the complaints. Always seeing things for what they aren't instead of appreciating all that they are. An unhappy person is a RISK to a relationship. And no matter what their partner does, it's not going to make them happy; because being happy is an inside job.It's SO easy to move through life with a negative lens. After all, as humans were literally wired to notice the negative as a survival mechanism. But the difference between a person who leans chronically miserable or negative, versus the person who moves through life leaning into and appreciating what's good, is STARK.

When a person holds more suffering than joy, more complaint than compassion and curiosity, is more critical than appreciative of the abundance right in front of them, it's a huge risk factor for infidelity. Why? Because their locus of control is external -- they believe that their happiness should come from the outside, because they don't naturally derive it from the inside.

When we point out all the negatives, to ourselves and/or to others, that chronic discontent will lead us to find relief in an easy solution, like a new person, an exciting relationship, a fresh connection, or someone who doesn't yet show us all the human flaws we don't want to see. Someone who is unhappy is more likely to blame their circumstances for their unhappiness.... than change them to try to become happier.

Unfortunately, wherever you go... there you are.

What To Do About It

Train your brain: Your brain reinforces the channels it uses most often. If you think negatively, you'll keep thinking negatively, and what's negative will also be what grows. Every night, reflect on the day and select three things that you did well, three things you appreciate about your life, and three things you're grateful for in others.

Learn all about it: I recommend the book "Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself: How to Lose Your Mind and Gain a New One" by Dr. Joe Dispenza.
Practice making yourself happy: When you notice yourself outsourcing your peace or happiness, turn inward. Ask yourself, "What do I need right now, and how can I give that to myself?" This simple but powerful question reinforces the self-efficacy we all have to create a joyful and abundant life for ourselves -- no matter how small the act.

The truth is, when you're someone who leans into a mindset that cultivates joy, notices the abundance, appreciates what's there, and approaches life with gratitude, it multiplies tenfold. Your life gets bigger, and your relationships get richer and freer, because you're radiating the good stuff, inside and out.

If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, one of our private membership communities, or schedule a confidential session.