How Secretly Feeling Inferior Can Lead Someone to Have an Affair
- Jan 27
- 3 min read
When someone feels inferior to their spouse, for example, less accomplished, less interesting, less dynamic, successful, attractive, or worthy, they are more vulnerable to be operating subconsciously (or consciously!) from a place of private comparison and shame.
What we know from the research is that shame is isolating, and that acting out is a common shame response. The shame of feeling “less-than” one's partner may make it extremely alluring when you meet someone new who feels like they elevate you in the very places you don’t feel good enough.
Usually, an affair has little to do with how the affair partner looks, and more to do with how the affair partner looks at the person who has the affair… with adoration, interest, and desire. This builds up the confidence of a spouse who may struggle with feeling like they’re enough compared to the person they married.
Mind you, this is no reflection (or fault!) of the successful, interesting, dynamic or powerful spouse who is betrayed. They are simply being who they are – rather, it’s an overcorrection of the inferiority that their spouse feels in response to it; and it's work that they unfaithful spouse has to do. It's never anyone's job to make themselves less-than or smaller to prevent an imbalance there. It's the vulnerable spouse's cue to heal their own sense of unworthiness.
When you carry the underlying shame that you’re inferior or undeserving compared to your partner, you’re more likely to gravitate toward a person who helps you feel better about it… even if you’re not even conscious that you carry those latent feelings about your spouse!
The truth is, if you feel badly about yourself, you’re going to be more susceptible to thrive in places that help ease the discomfort of what you’re carrying around deep down inside. Changing your spouse isn’t the solution – it’s working on your own self-worth.
What To Do About It
Start being more honest about how you feel: What would it be like to step into the truth of what arises for you in your partnership? It can sound for the first time like saying, “I feel insecure around you” or “I don’t feel good about myself lately,” or “You’re so capable I feel useless.” Shame withers in response to speaking it.
Begin to embrace exactly who you are: Some of us forget that our only job in life is to be exactly who we are. We each have unique gifts, strengths, and capabilities. Begin to cherish yours; and if you feel badly about yourself, begin to inquire about those messages. Ask yourself if there’s a part of you that you want to cultivate, grow, or give yourself permission to evolve around.
Do the inner work of worth: Not pop-psychology by reading social media posts. I’m talking therapy, reflection, self-inventory, rebuilding confidence from the inside out so attention doesn’t feel like a lifeline. When you heal your inner sense of inferiority, you’re less likely to build it up through external reinforcement. The book How to Do The Work can help you begin.
Remember that there are plenty of resources and tailored support to help you if you're struggling because of an affair, and you're not alone! You can access high-impact, low cost self-help resources here, join a supportive membership, or request private individual or couples coaching for your specific situation.
We're here to help.
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