There’s a reason I’m titling this post “ secret  kink.” Because it’s not the kink that’s the issue, as much as it’s the  secret  that is. A lot of times infidelity begins with an important part of yourself you’ve kept tucked away because you believe that hiding it is keeping you safe from vulnerability,  and your partner safe from the real you.   I was recently a guest on The Kink Consultant podcast to talk about the intersection of secret kink and infidelity, in the episode

I keep seeing this clip of Mel Robbins saying "The best decision you can make is to marry a happy person."  Well, that sounds nice, but these days it's collectively harder and harder for us to be happy. I found myself reflecting hard on her advice. What does that really mean, Mel? And why is that a magic ticket to marital success? I imagined some toxic positivity, golden-retriever-like person who is just always pleased. How many people are really like that?  I wondered.   The

Just this week I was watching an online interview with an unfaithful spouse who was explaining how he ended up having an affair. "I didn't realize how I was feeling (in the marriage)," he explained. And this lightbulb went off for me : I've heard this sentiment so many times before, from many clients in affairs, and even from my own spouse after I discovered his affair.   There is a huge RISK for infidelity  in self-disconnection, and lack of attunement to your own feelings.

When someone outside the marriage shows interest, whether it’s a flirtatious comment, a lingering glance, or simply remembering small details, it can light up something that’s felt dormant.  In long term marriages, familiarity and domesticity can easily make the attention of your spouse feel lacking, easily missed, or simply undesired.   NEW attention? That kind of attention can feel like a jolt to the system: I’m still attractive . I’m still interesting . I matter . And if t

Unhealed trauma doesn’t arrive with an announcement; and it surely isn’t visible on our outsides. Usually, it's just something we live with... until it rears its head. And when we're in relationships – especially close ones – unresolved trauma often rears its head through our patterns of behavior. Infidelity can be one of them.   Unresolved trauma can make chaos feels like chemistry. It can make longing feel like love. I know I've been prone to this; and it was only when I du

A tit for a tat... an eye for an eye. Being betrayed is a powerful motivator for revenge; especially via giving onesself the same experience your unfaithful partner got. Some affairs aren’t as much about longing or chemistry as they are about unexpressed pain . I can't tell you how many people I work with in affairs who have felt betrayed themselves. An affair can be their subconscious (or conscious) way to even the score.   Some feel betrayed through relationship behaviors

My best friend is 23 years older than me. She and I support each other through everything, and lately, and as she navigates her 60's, we've been having conversations about the feelings and struggles of being in the final "third" of her life. There’s a quiet panic that can settle in ; and it's not easy to accept — the sense that time is speeding up while possibility narrows. The feeling of being invisible. Looking in the mirror and not entirely recognizing the person staring b

When someone feels powerless in a relationship, an affair can become an unconscious attempt to balance the scales . Powerlessness often...

I wish I could say that sex isn't everything, but the truth is that sex is the driving force underneath so much of our lives . Sex is the...

This week's Fidelity Factors on Sex and Love Addiction is well timed, because if you're a fan of the author Liz Gilbert, you'll know that...

Here's one of the first things I hear from many of my unfaithful clients: "I'm a good person. I'm not the kind of person who would ever...

An affair as a warm transfer out of a marriage leads to more pain and confusion.

criticism makes a marriage more vulnerable to infidelity. While criticism may seem like a normal part of conflict, when it becomes a chronic pattern in a marriage it erodes the foundation of emotional safety.

I know this much from my personal and  professional experience: when we are rich in authentic self-love, we're less likely to look...

In my work here at Lauren LaRusso Coaching , the overlap between affairs and avoidance is tremendous. I'm glad to be able to shed light...

Here where we live at the beach, there's an evening ritual of gathering in our golf carts to watch the sunset over the water. The other...

Low self-esteem can be a foundational vulnerability to infidelity, not because someone is inherently disloyal, but because they’re...

As paradoxical as it sounds, an affair can sometimes stem from being too... perfect .  Enter the golden child, who spends a lifetime...

This week's Fidelity Factor is a big one, because the overlap between narcissism and affairs is high . Not all affairs are had by...

Emotional immaturity can quietly sabotage a relationship, especially when it comes to handling conflict, unmet needs, or vulnerability....