Just this week I was watching an online interview with an unfaithful spouse who was explaining how he ended up having an affair. "I didn't realize how I was feeling (in the marriage)," he explained. And this lightbulb went off for me : I've heard this sentiment so many times before, from many clients in affairs, and even from my own spouse after I discovered his affair.   There is a huge RISK for infidelity  in self-disconnection, and lack of attunement to your own feelings.

When someone outside the marriage shows interest, whether it’s a flirtatious comment, a lingering glance, or simply remembering small details, it can light up something that’s felt dormant.  In long term marriages, familiarity and domesticity can easily make the attention of your spouse feel lacking, easily missed, or simply undesired.   NEW attention? That kind of attention can feel like a jolt to the system: I’m still attractive . I’m still interesting . I matter . And if t

Unhealed trauma doesn’t arrive with an announcement; and it surely isn’t visible on our outsides. Usually, it's just something we live with... until it rears its head. And when we're in relationships – especially close ones – unresolved trauma often rears its head through our patterns of behavior. Infidelity can be one of them.   Unresolved trauma can make chaos feels like chemistry. It can make longing feel like love. I know I've been prone to this; and it was only when I du

A tit for a tat... an eye for an eye. Being betrayed is a powerful motivator for revenge; especially via giving onesself the same experience your unfaithful partner got. Some affairs aren’t as much about longing or chemistry as they are about unexpressed pain . I can't tell you how many people I work with in affairs who have felt betrayed themselves. An affair can be their subconscious (or conscious) way to even the score.   Some feel betrayed through relationship behaviors