When we think about infidelity, the common belief is that cheating stems from unhappiness within a relationship. But is that really the entire story? The truth is, unhappiness isn’t always the negative catalyst to point to. Unhappiness as the Sole Catalyst? Many people assume that infidelity stems solely from unhappiness in a relationship. However, this perspective oversimplifies a multifaceted issue and the reality is much more intricate. People might cheat for various reaso

When faced with choosing between a marriage and an affair, the emotions and decisions involved can be overwhelming. The Reality of Choosing Between Marriage and Affair Choosing to leave a marriage for an affair is a significant decision. Many individuals find themselves in this predicament when the affair partner pressures them to resolve their marital status. Often, individuals elevate the affair relationship while diminishing the importance of their marriage due to cognitiv

In the complex and often painful journey of affair recovery, certain behaviors are prevalent that can turn the entire process of discovery and healing upside down. If you’re currently involved in an affair, you may find yourself engaging in one or more of these behaviors, often without realizing the full extent of their impact. Let’s explore these behaviors, why they occur, and how they can influence your ability to move forward. Gaslighting: The Psychological Manipulation Ga

Infidelity often feels like a terminal blow to a relationship, leaving both parties in turmoil, questioning everything. But is it truly the end? Or could it be the beginning of something new, or even perhaps something stronger? Here we will explore how couples navigate the aftermath of an affair, the potential for rebuilding, and the profound transformations that can emerge from the ashes of betrayed trust. Acknowledging the End and the Beginning of the Relationship The initi

Often when someone has an affair, they're labeled as having a midlife crisis. This term arises because their behavior can appear completely out of character and unpredictable. However, it's essential to understand what a midlife crisis truly entails. What is a Midlife Crisis Affair? A midlife crisis is typically the experience of someone struggling to reconcile their inner world with their outer world. Over time, a disconnect forms where the individual's public persona does n

Infidelity is a complex aspect of relationships, often painting one partner as the "betrayed" and the other as the "betrayer." However, the dynamics within a relationship can blur these roles, making it difficult to assign these labels neatly. Understanding Victimhood in Relationships A pertinent question many face is whether the betrayed partner is always the victim in the relationship. Although the betrayed partner is obviously the victim of infidelity, they are not necessa

When an affair is discovered, it can feel like the ground has shifted beneath your feet. Much like an emotional earthquake, the revelation sends shockwaves that deeply affect all parties involved, particularly the betrayed spouse. Today, I want to delve into this often uncharted territory, providing a roadmap for understanding the complexities and emotional turmoil that can emerge in the wake of infidelity. Unveiling the Unexpected As a licensed psychotherapist and infidelit

In relationships, the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" often echoes in our cultural psyche, instilling a sense of inevitability about infidelity. But is this belief really true? Through a compassionate exploration of real-life experiences, we can find that the answer is not as straightforward as it seems. Challenging the Myth The adage suggests that individuals who have strayed once are doomed to do so again. However, many clients who have experienced infidelity fi

Infidelity can feel like a hurricane hitting your life, leaving everything in disarray. For couples facing this tough journey, understanding why a fair recovery is so tricky is crucial. I'm Lauren LaRusso, a psychotherapist and specialist in fair and infidelity, and I'm here to share insights on overcoming the challenges of infidelity recovery and forging a path to healing and connection. Understanding the Impact of Infidelity Every relationship is unique, yet certain themes

When someone feels inferior to their spouse, for example, less accomplished, less interesting, less dynamic, successful, attractive, or worthy, they are more vulnerable to be operating subconsciously (or consciously!) from a place of private comparison and shame.   What we know from the research is that shame is isolating, and that acting out is a common shame response. The shame of feeling “less-than” one's partner may make it extremely alluring when you meet someone new who

There’s a reason I’m titling this post “ secret  kink.” Because it’s not the kink that’s the issue, as much as it’s the  secret  that is. A lot of times infidelity begins with an important part of yourself you’ve kept tucked away because you believe that hiding it is keeping you safe from vulnerability,  and your partner safe from the real you.   I was recently a guest on The Kink Consultant podcast to talk about the intersection of secret kink and infidelity, in the episode

I keep seeing this clip of Mel Robbins saying "The best decision you can make is to marry a happy person."  Well, that sounds nice, but these days it's collectively harder and harder for us to be happy. I found myself reflecting hard on her advice. What does that really mean, Mel? And why is that a magic ticket to marital success? I imagined some toxic positivity, golden-retriever-like person who is just always pleased. How many people are really like that?  I wondered.   The

Just this week I was watching an online interview with an unfaithful spouse who was explaining how he ended up having an affair. "I didn't realize how I was feeling (in the marriage)," he explained. And this lightbulb went off for me : I've heard this sentiment so many times before, from many clients in affairs, and even from my own spouse after I discovered his affair.   There is a huge RISK for infidelity  in self-disconnection, and lack of attunement to your own feelings.

When someone outside the marriage shows interest, whether it’s a flirtatious comment, a lingering glance, or simply remembering small details, it can light up something that’s felt dormant.  In long term marriages, familiarity and domesticity can easily make the attention of your spouse feel lacking, easily missed, or simply undesired.   NEW attention? That kind of attention can feel like a jolt to the system: I’m still attractive . I’m still interesting . I matter . And if t

Unhealed trauma doesn’t arrive with an announcement; and it surely isn’t visible on our outsides. Usually, it's just something we live with... until it rears its head. And when we're in relationships – especially close ones – unresolved trauma often rears its head through our patterns of behavior. Infidelity can be one of them.   Unresolved trauma can make chaos feels like chemistry. It can make longing feel like love. I know I've been prone to this; and it was only when I du

A tit for a tat... an eye for an eye. Being betrayed is a powerful motivator for revenge; especially via giving onesself the same experience your unfaithful partner got. Some affairs aren’t as much about longing or chemistry as they are about unexpressed pain . I can't tell you how many people I work with in affairs who have felt betrayed themselves. An affair can be their subconscious (or conscious) way to even the score.   Some feel betrayed through relationship behaviors

My best friend is 23 years older than me. She and I support each other through everything, and lately, and as she navigates her 60's, we've been having conversations about the feelings and struggles of being in the final "third" of her life. There’s a quiet panic that can settle in ; and it's not easy to accept — the sense that time is speeding up while possibility narrows. The feeling of being invisible. Looking in the mirror and not entirely recognizing the person staring b

When someone feels powerless in a relationship, an affair can become an unconscious attempt to balance the scales . Powerlessness often grows slowly — through years of being criticized, dismissed, or emotionally minimized. When a person's thoughts or needs are routinely overridden, they start to shrink over time in small, but cumulative, ways.   For example, my clients who struggle with powerlessness silence their opinions, stop expecting fairness, and hobble along with low s

I wish I could say that sex isn't everything, but the truth is that sex is the driving force underneath so much of our lives . Sex is the underlying factor that keeps industries like fitness, diet, and beauty booming . Sex sells movies, clothes, cars.... and, sex drives us to couple with each other, again and again and again. In a marriage or long term relationship, sex can get confusing, mundane, obligatory, stale, neglected, performative, or even.... a place that doesn't ho

This week's Fidelity Factors on Sex and Love Addiction is well timed, because if you're a fan of the author Liz Gilbert, you'll know that her new memoir, " All the Way to the River "  released just this week, too. In it, Liz details the harrowing, haunting, and hidden ride of what happens when a sex and love addict and a substance addict fall in love. The memoir is one of the most enlightening descriptions I've ever heard of what it's truly like to struggle and live with sex