Sometimes, infidelity arises from a diminished sense of self—a feeling that one’s true identity has been overshadowed by the demands of marriage or other significant life roles. Over time, individuals can become so immersed in the responsibilities of being a spouse, parent, or professional that personal passions and unique interests are neglected. This shift often leads to feelings of stagnation or invisibility, as individuals may begin to feel defined solely by their roles rather than by who they truly are.
In such circumstances, an affair might seem like a viable means to rediscover lost parts of oneself. A new relationship, especially one that exists outside the familiar confines of daily life, can provide an opportunity to explore long-forgotten interests or aspects of one’s personality that have been suppressed. The allure lies not necessarily in the new partner, but in the temporary experience of feeling reenergized, seen, or validated—emotions that might have been missing in the primary relationship.
What to Do About It
When we lose ourselves, it's usually because of underlying issues like over-giving, people-pleasing, struggling with boundaries, or codependency. Learning how to heal those parts of ourselves will lead us down a road where we can give to others in healthy ways without losing ourselves and without abandoning or betraying our own truth.
This takes practice, and it's a daily process of un-learning the old behaviors that you lost yourself in, and learning new ones that acknowledge your own needs, communicate those, and act in your own best interest. Balancing the needs and demands of others with your own real needs as a person is part of the journey of becoming healthy and whole.
While an affair might offer short-term relief from these feelings of identity loss, it introduces further complications, including guilt, shame, and additional strain on an existing relationship. Sometimes, that is the wake up call a person needed to realize just how lost they were in their own lives. But, ideally, we can recognize that we self-abandon and self-betray on a smaller scale so we can heal those patterns proactively before we combust the lives we created around them.
I recommend two books primarily to start this journey: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, and The Way of Integrity: Finding the Path to Your True Self by Martha Beck. These texts will start your education on what it looks and feels like to shed the old constructs and carry-ons you previously hid behind, and embrace your truest self.
I hope this information served as an invitation for further self-inquiry and enlightenment. Understanding our deeper workings helps us to transcend societal labels about infidelity, and use the experience as a gateway to greater self-awareness and empathy. And that is the most powerful force of healing for all parties.
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