Infidelity and the Father Wound

 The concept of the father wound refers to emotional injuries sustained from a father who was absent, critical, abusive, emotionally unavailable, or simply unable to meet a child’s core relational needs. And while we often imagine wounds as something that bleeds outwardly, the father wound tends to bleed inward — quietly, chronically, and deeply — largely unseen until it shows up in the adult’s life in painful, often unconscious ways.

One of the most profound areas it surfaces? Romantic relationships. Specifically, in how a person navigates fidelity, intimacy, and emotional safety.

For some, growing up without consistent paternal love creates a gnawing hunger for validation. They may enter adulthood feeling fundamentally unworthy or invisible, always wondering: Am I enough? Am I lovable? Will someone finally choose me? An affair, then, can become a mirror they hold up to answer those questions. The attention, the flirtation, the spark of newness — it soothes the ache of old abandonment. It says, You matter. You're wanted. But the problem is, that reassurance is fleeting. Because it’s not the affair partner who truly needs to be convinced of your worth — it’s the inner child still aching from a father's neglect.

Unresolved father wounds can compel people to subconsciously recreate dynamics from childhood — not because they enjoy the pain, but because they’re trying to master it. If a person felt unseen or dismissed by their father, they might pursue unavailable partners, or seek emotional highs through secret relationships that echo the emotional rollercoaster of their youth. The affair becomes an attempt to reclaim power in a narrative where they once had none. But instead of healing the original wound, it often deepens it — layering guilt, shame, and betrayal on top of the original abandonment.

A person who did not grow up with a safe, consistent father figure may never have learned how to trust others — or themselves. They may struggle to regulate their emotions, fear deep connection, or swing between over-giving and self-protection. These unresolved patterns make navigating the challenges of a long-term relationship especially difficult. Affairs can feel like an emotional shortcut: a place to feel close without the vulnerability of full commitment. But it’s an illusion. No amount of attention from someone else can replace the healing that only comes from turning inward and facing the pain.

What to Do About It

Healing from a father wound isn’t about blaming or villainizing the parent. It’s about reclaiming the love that was never conveyed in that relationship by healing those parts of yourself within your own life. Self-healing means living in the awareness of your own patterns in love as a reflection of wounds, unlearning old behaviors, and learning the new.

Therapy, inner child work, self-compassion, and rewriting your own emotional blueprint are all powerful tools in this journey. When you begin to validate your own worth, set healthy boundaries, and understand your patterns, you no longer need to look outside of your relationship — or yourself — for answers to the pain that was never yours to carry in the first place.

The e-book 'GET UNSTUCK: Uncover the Real Reasons for Your Affair' is a great place to start for unfaithful spouses who want to begin to understand themselves better in light of their infidelity. It asks all the most important questions to help you begin to unpack what's going on underneath your behaviors and choices.

You're not alone, and you don't have to try to figure this out on your own. Head to LaurenLaRusso.com to explore all resources for every person and party involved in and affected by infidelity. We're here for you.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder