How a Scarcity Mentality Fuels Infidelity

A scarcity mentality can make a person feel that love, attention, intimacy, or happiness is in short supply — and that if you don’t take it now, you might never have it again.

For someone in a committed relationship, this mindset can quietly fuel the urge to stray. If they feel affection is lacking or life has become too routine, the scarcity script might sound like:  

• “What if this is all there is?”

• “What if no one ever looks at me like that again?”

• “What if I don’t take this chance, and I never feel alive again?”

Let's say you're in a marriage that's growth comfortably predictable... and then you meet the coworker who flirts, laughs at your jokes, and makes you feel young again. Instead of asking, “How can I bring more vitality into my marriage?” the scarcity mindset says, “This might be my last chance to feel this way.” And that fear — of missing out, of settling, of losing something that might never return — can become the doorway to an affair.

Scarcity also breeds comparison. Seeing friends with seemingly passionate marriages or scrolling through curated social media posts can spark the thought, “Why don’t I have that?” That sense of deprivation intensifies, and the affair becomes a misguided attempt to level the playing field.

Do you recognize that scarcity might play a role for you? If so, you're not alone. This can especially come up for my clients around sex. If physical intimacy feels scarce, they develop a complex around when it might be available again. This leads to a tiring cycle of pursuit that eventually wears the relationship down.

The truth is that a scarcity mindset can be a serious barrier to nurturing and growing the relationship you’re already in. Scarcity is a reactive, subconsciously driven state. Our best relationships (and true intimacy) comes from being mindful, present, and conscious.

What To Do About It

Here are a few practical and simple ways to begin to heal complexes around scarcity: 

1. Practice Gratitude for What You HaveMake it a daily habit to notice what is working in your relationship and within yourself. Gratitude softens the fear that you’re missing out and helps rewire your brain to see abundance instead of lack. Try writing down three relationship moments or qualities you’re thankful for each night, even if they’re small.  

2. Reframe Desire as a Signal, Not a ThreatWhen you feel a longing for attention, adventure, or intimacy, don’t shame yourself. Instead, get curious. Ask, “What is this desire telling me about what I need or want to create more of?” Then bring those needs into your relationship through open, vulnerable conversations. 

3. Invest in Co-Creating Joy and IntimacyScarcity convinces us that the magic is “out there” with someone else. Abundance knows it can be co-created. Schedule novelty into your relationship — plan a surprise date, express affection in a new way, or try something adventurous together. Remind yourself that intimacy isn’t found, it’s made. When it comes to your relationship, take the risk, make the first moves. Stop waiting.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder