Self-Worth and Vulnerability to Infidelity

Unworthiness is one of the quietest, most insidious forces behind infidelity. Shaky self-worth is so easy to dismiss; "I don't have an issue with feeling worthy! I feel good about myself!" But most of us have a quiet voice deep inside, sometimes barely consciously, that whispers: "You’re not enough", "You’re unlovable", or "You don't belong."

When a person carries this deep and largely subconscious sense of inadequacy, they may be more likely to turn to an affair in an unconscious attempt to soothe that uncertainty.

Imagine someone who grew up with constant criticism or emotional neglect. Maybe they were told they were “too sensitive” or “never quite good enough,” or maybe they were simply overlooked in a busy household. As adults, they enter relationships carrying this invisible wound.

When someone outside the relationship — whether a coworker, a friend, or a stranger — offers attention, flirtation, or affection, it can feel like a light of worthiness shone upon them. Suddenly, they’re not invisible. Suddenly, they’re wanted. The affair offers a counterfeit sense of value: Here, you matter. Here, you’re desirable.

But here’s the trap: the affair soothes the surface, but underneath, the wound remains open. And often, the aftermath of infidelity — guilt, shame, and anxiety — only deepens the sense of unworthiness, fueling a painful cycle that leaves a person with more to heal now than before.

Many clients describe the affair partner as someone who made them feel “alive” or “special” — not because their spouse failed them, but because they couldn’t turn away from the validation of their worth. But when unworthiness is at the root, the end of the affair stings differently. One woman told me, “With him, I felt seen for the first time in years. But the truth is, when it was over, I felt so small, so discarded.” Another man admitted, “I thought the affair would make me feel powerful, but it left me more hollow than ever, and now with a shame and guilt I'll always carry.”

These stories reveal a difficult, but core truth: no amount of external validation can fill our internal voids. Our healing can be helped by others, but ultimately it is always an inside job.

What to Do About It

Healing unworthiness is deep, transformative work, and it’s entirely possible. Here’s where to begin:

• Name the wound. Acknowledge where the feelings of inadequacy come from: was it childhood criticism? Bullying? Past betrayals? An attachment wound from childhood? Awareness is the first huge step.

• Practice self-compassion. Replace the inner critic with an inner ally. When the voice of “I’m not enough” shows up, gently respond with “I am learning, I am growing, I am worthy of love as I am.”

• Build self-worth from the inside out. Focus on strengths, values, and accomplishments unrelated to appearance, performance, or romantic attention. Focus on building self-trust by working on your own healing and growth. Journaling or working with a therapist can help anchor these.

• Strengthen relational security. Bring your vulnerability into your primary relationship. Instead of seeking validation elsewhere, express your needs, fears, and longings with your partner. This builds intimacy and trust.

• Seek professional support. Therapy, coaching, or group work can help unpack the deeper roots of unworthiness and guide you in rewiring old patterns. Not sure where to start? You can schedule a session with us here.

• Set boundaries with external validation. Notice when you’re seeking attention just to feel good about yourself, and lovingly interrupt the pattern. Ask yourself, 'What am I really craving here?' Surround yourself with people and relationships on the outside that match how you want to feel and be on the inside. This alignment is so important to being whole.

Healing unworthiness is about reclaiming (or even building anew) a true sense of Self.  And when you're good within yourself, you become far less vulnerable to the temptations that once would have held greater power.

If you're struggling because of an affair, go to LaurenLaRusso.com for self-help resources and Masterclasses that are designed to help you move forward from the privacy and comfort of your own home. You're not alone, and you don't have to figure this out on your own.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder