The Mother Wound and Infidelity

For many, an affair is not just about sex or excitement; it’s an unconscious attempt to fill an emotional gap. Where did the emotional gap begin? Childhood. If you grew up with a mother who withheld affection, was hard to please, or criticized more than she praised, you may carry a persistent sense of 'I’m not enough' into adulthood.

The mother wound runs deep. It’s the ache left behind when a mother was critical, neglectful, smothering, emotionally absent, or unable to meet the emotional needs of her child. And while we may tell ourselves we’ve left those childhood wounds in the past, the truth is, they often come roaring back in the ways we show up in our adult relationships. One way the mother wound surfaces is through the vulnerability to infidelity.

The attention, admiration, or tenderness you receive from an affair partner can feel like a balm on this old wound. For a moment, you’re no longer the child longing for love — you’re desired, seen, valued. But this relief is temporary, and often it piles on more pain: guilt, betrayal, and the realization that external validation can’t heal what’s fundamentally internal.

The mother wound doesn’t just shape how you feel about yourself; it shapes how you relate to others. If your mother was overly controlling, unpredictable, or emotionally volatile, you may have learned to walk on eggshells or suppress your own needs to keep the peace. In a committed relationship, this can translate into resentment, emotional distance, or an aching need for freedom. An affair can feel like a secret space to breathe, a place where you get to reclaim your autonomy.

On the flip side, if you were enmeshed with your mother (emotionally tangled, without clear boundaries) you may struggle to balance closeness and independence in your adult partnerships. The affair may become a misguided attempt to assert your individuality or escape from the claustrophobia of intimacy.

What to Do About It

Healing the mother wound is not just about reflecting on your childhood; it’s about actively reshaping your emotional world in the here-and-now. Healing asks you to:

• Rebuild your self-worth so it no longer depends on others’ approval or attention.

• Learn healthy boundaries, both with yourself and in your relationships, so you can say no when you need to and yes without guilt.

• Develop emotional regulation skills to handle feelings of rejection, shame, or anxiety without running from them or seeking escape (the book You Are the One You've Been Waiting For can help).

• Unlearn unhealthy attachment patterns, so you can move from anxious or avoidant relating to secure, mutual connection (the book Wired for Love can help).

• Grieve the loss of what you didn’t get — the nurturing, the validation, the unconditional love — so you stop unconsciously chasing it in places that can’t deliver.

  
  

Healing the mother wound is profound work. But as you do it, you reclaim your ability to heal yourself into a more whole and more conscious future.

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Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder