The Affair as an Assertion of Control

I see it time and again: an affair as the way a person reclaims a sense of personal control and autonomy they've critically lost along the way. Often, this lack of personal freedom grows over time, usually while shouldering the selfless role of taking care of a family. These clients struggle with feeling like they can assert their own identity; and perhaps they aren't sure they've ever had the chance to create one. Rather, they find themselves struggling with feeling largely controlled by their role in the family or in their partnership. They may also feel unseen or unappreciated, or like they don't have a voice, a say, or a choice.

Take Jordan, for instance, who felt micromanaged by his spouse. She constantly commented on everything he did, from how he spent money to how he dressed. This tiresome scrutiny at home meant that when a coworker admired his creativity on a project, Jordan began to feel seen for who he was. In this way, the affair felt like an escape hatch. It was less about passion and more about finally feeling in control of something just for himself.

In other cases, control shows up in more manipulative ways. When Tina felt emotionally neglected by her husband, she didn’t talk about it directly — instead, she started an emotional affair. Subconsciously, it felt like leverage, and it shifted the emotional power dynamic, even if only temporarily. It was a way to say, “You don’t get to ignore me anymore.”

Sometimes, people use affairs to create chaos in an otherwise predictable life. Alex was used to being the one in charge — of the kids, the schedule, the family finances. But the routine became suffocating. The affair gave her a rush, a secret world she could control, a break from the monotony. Her affair was a misguided way to inject novelty and emotional intensity into a life that felt overly structured.

Unfortunately, these behaviors often mask deeper struggles, and when the affairs are discovered, they leave a trail of trauma and heartbreak. The problem is that an affair may temporarily relieve these feelings, but it inevitably creates more pain—both for the betrayer and the betrayed. The affair steps into the place where assertion, communication, and differentiation should have.

 

What to Do About It

1. Build Self-Awareness Through Reflection and TherapyThe first step is to recognize that your affair was a cry to take back something for yourself. Ask yourself: Where in my life do I feel powerless? What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control? Working with a therapist can help uncover the roots of these patterns — often tied to childhood experiences or unresolved trauma — and offer new ways to respond when those control impulses arise.

2. Learn to Communicate Needs Openly and HonestlyThis is huge. Control often replaces clear communication. Rather than silently stewing or acting out, practice expressing what you need from your partner in a vulnerable, non-defensive way. For example: “I feel like I’ve lost myself in this routine, and I need space to explore who I am again.” That statement opens doors, rather than slamming them shut with secrecy.

3. Develop Healthy Autonomy Within the Relationship

Instead of seeking freedom through betrayal, find ways to assert your independence in ways that honor the relationship. That might mean taking a solo trip, starting a personal project, or renegotiating boundaries that feel restrictive. Autonomy isn’t the opposite of intimacy—it’s part of it.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder

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