How Abandonment Fears Can Fuel Infidelity

A fear of abandonment doesn’t always look like a person who is clinging or pleading to be chosen. Sometimes, it shows up as an affair — securing love and attachment in an unconscious attempt to protect oneself from the very rejection they dread.

When someone carries deep fears of being left, they may interpret emotional distance, stress, or disconnection in a relationship as signs that abandonment is imminent. Rather than risk being the one who is left, they may subconsciously choose to leave first — or create a backup connection.

An affair, in this case, becomes a misguided strategy to avoid vulnerability: a way to ensure that if one relationship fails, they won’t be alone, or as a way to soothe the fear of the pain of disconnection. Often, this pattern traces back to early attachment wounds — being neglected, emotionally dismissed, or experiencing inconsistent love.

These early experiences teach the nervous system that love is unreliable and that safety comes not from intimacy, but from contingency. The affair becomes a form of self-protection: If I have someone else, I won’t be caught off guard. If I leave before I’m left, I can stay in control.

But the painful irony is that the very act of cheating creates the abandonment they fear. Betrayal shatters trust and ruptures connection — often leading to the very loss they were trying so desperately to avoid. Healing this cycle requires more than willpower; it requires deep emotional repair and a willingness to confront subconscious wounds that motivated it.

What to Do About It:

1. Connect with Your Attachment (and Origin) Story:Identify your attachment patterns and explore where your abandonment fears began. Was there a parent who left—physically or emotionally? Were you taught that love had to be earned? Understanding the origin of your fear allows you to separate past wounds from present reality. The book Wired for Love can help you get clear on attachment, and the book The Origins of You can help you reveal your subconscious childhood wounds.

2. Build Inner Security Through Consistency:Create small daily rituals that reinforce self-trust. This could be keeping promises to yourself, practicing self-soothing techniques like journaling or mindfulness, or cultivating hobbies that bring joy and fulfillment. The more you show up for yourself, the less you’ll rely on others to fill emotional voids. I recommend the book You Are The One You've Been Waiting For as a psychological exploration in creating inner security.

3. Learn to Stay—and Communicate—Through Discomfort:Abandonment fears are often triggered during moments of conflict or disconnection. Instead of reacting impulsively (like seeking outside attention), practice staying present. Communicate your fears honestly, ask for reassurance in healthy ways, and remind yourself that discomfort in a relationship doesn’t automatically mean it’s ending.

And of course, if you need help because of an affair, we're here for you. Explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, or schedule a confidential session.

You're not alone, and you don't have to stay stuck.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder // Coach