All It Takes to Stoke an Affair is Outside Interest

When someone outside the marriage shows interest—whether it’s a flirtatious comment, a lingering glance, or simply remembering small details—it can light up something that’s felt dormant. That kind of attention can feel like a jolt to the system: I’m still attractive. I’m still interesting. I matter. And if those feelings have been missing at home, the contrast can be magnetic.

For example, a coworker compliments your ideas in a way your spouse hasn’t in months. Or a friend’s emotional attentiveness feels more nourishing than the brief check-ins between school runs and bedtime routines. These moments can feel innocent at first—but when they fill a gap that’s been quietly growing, they can stir emotions that are hard to ignore.

This kind of external interest can be especially powerful if someone is feeling unseen, unappreciated, or emotionally distant from their partner. The attention becomes more than a compliment—it becomes confirmation of worth, validation of desirability, and a tempting escape from disconnection. And without realizing it, that emotional pull can blur boundaries, creating space for deeper interactions that may slowly (or suddenly) cross the line into an affair.

What to Do About It

When I'm working with an unfaithful spouse, the most commonly perceived gap between the marriage and the affair is the amount of interest the affair partner shows; which leads to connection, intimacy, and feeling like you matter. Powerful feelings indeed. By then, the relationship is too far down the road to walk back from. And it commonly spells the end of the marriage.

The key is to catch this at the beginning, because once it's gotten that far, it's a crisis for the marriage of usually disastrous proportions. Early on, recognize these moments of outside interest, and how you feel in response to them, as huge warning signals. If someone else’s interest feels especially flattering or emotionally charged, pause and reflect:

What need is this meeting in me?

Where is that need missing at home?

Use this as an opportunity to turn toward your relationship rather than away from it. Have the hard conversations. Share what you’re craving—more affection, more appreciation, more emotional presence. Be clear, be consistent, and lean in.

If you're already in an affair, you'll want to start with the e-book I wrote to help unfaithful spouses uncover the real reasons for your affair. It asks the most powerful questions to start you on a journey toward clarity. You can get it right here.

And just as important, be proactive about giving what you want to receive. Sometimes, we both stop showing interest at the same time. Reinvesting in your connection, even in small ways, can help bring back the mutual attention and warmth that made you feel alive in the first place.

External interest may spark something—but it’s the internal work that keeps love truly alive.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder