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Affairs and Your Childlike Self

As we come out of childhood, we learn that being an adult means being mature, responsible, and building a life that gives ourselves, and the others we may care for, stability, security, and safety.

 

It's no surprise, then, that one of the most powerful things about an affair is the reconnection with feelings that haven't been felt in a long time. The affair can reconnect a person to their childlike sense of novelty and play, and often serves as an expression of a longing for excitement and spontaneity that may feel absent in a committed relationship. Over time, the routine and responsibilities of marriage can overshadow the lightheartedness and curiosity that people often associate with their younger selves. This sense of stagnation may lead individuals to seek out new experiences or connections that reignite those feelings of playfulness, freedom, and discovery.

 

In some cases, an affair can represent an attempt to escape the weight of adult responsibilities and rekindle a sense of vitality. The novelty of a new relationship often brings a surge of adrenaline, excitement, and emotional intensity, mimicking the thrill and wonder of childhood play. This dynamic can feel intoxicating for someone yearning to break free from the monotony or predictability of their marriage, even if only temporarily. The allure of novelty becomes a way to fulfill unmet desires for adventure and joy.

 

However, this pursuit of novelty and play outside the marriage often comes at a cost. While the affair may temporarily satisfy these cravings, it often creates deeper emotional complications and damage to the primary relationship. Recognizing the need for playfulness and adventure within the marriage, rather than outside it, is key.

 

Couples who consciously nurture shared activities, fun, and exploration can create an environment where both partners feel fulfilled and less likely to seek these experiences elsewhere. The book The New Monogamy can serve as a jumping-off point for productive conversations about what was found in the affair and what might be infused into a marriage moving forward (non-monogamy need not be the end result, fear not!).


I hope this serves as an invitation for further self-inquiry and enlightenment. Understanding our deeper workings helps us to transcend societal labels about infidelity, and use the experience as a gateway to greater self-awareness and empathy. And that is the most powerful force of healing for all parties.


Lauren LaRusso, MSEd, LPC, LMHC

Founder and Coach, Lauren LaRusso Coaching


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