An Affair as an Antidote to Aging and Mortality

My best friend is 23 years older than me. She and I support each other through everything, and lately, and as she navigates her 60's, we've been having conversations about the feelings and struggles of being in the final "third" of her life. There’s a quiet panic that can settle in; and it's not easy to accept — the sense that time is speeding up while possibility narrows. The feeling of being invisible. Looking in the mirror and not entirely recognizing the person staring back. Wondering if your purpose or drive is becoming obsolete.

This mentality and challenge is relevant when it comes to a person's vulnerability to an affair at this phase, too. As a person sails through midlife and beyond, there's an odd dissonance between who they feel they are, and what their age or face is saying. Their children are growing, their parents are aging, and they can feel the press of mortality in their bones. The horizon of life is getting closer; things feel different.

An affair, for some, becomes a rebellion against that truth; a way to prove they’re still vibrant, still wanted, still capable of starting something new, and of being chosen. It’s not always about the other person at all; it’s about escaping the terrifying awareness that life has limits. It's often also about making another attempt to find freedom and new identity when it feels like the walls of life are closing in.

In the affair, there’s often a fleeting rush... it's the illusion of youth restored, the thrill of being desired, the temporary erasure of responsibility. For a moment, it's like feeling the most alive again. But the feeling doesn’t last, because it’s built on fantasy rather than integration. What’s really being avoided isn’t age or death — it’s grief. Feeling one's sadness for the years gone, the selves unexpressed, the dreams deferred. Beneath the surface of infidelity often lives the very human wish to pause time and reclaim what was lost.

What To Do About It

Healing requires turning toward, not away from, the truth that mortality is a fact for all of us. Start by naming to yourself what you’re mourning (youth, freedom, possibility) and allow yourself to grieve it honestly. This can be challenging; and mid to end of life brings tremendous mental, emotional, and psychological adjustment. Don't isolate. Too often, as we get older we turn more inward. But this is the very time to find support through a trusted counselor, friend, therapist, or group. It also combats the depression that can set in as we age.

Reconnect to your body through movement, health, or sensuality in ways that feel life-affirming, not escapist. Create something new: a hobby, a project, a ritual that reminds you of your capacity to evolve. And, most importantly, practice gratitude for the strength and wisdom that come with age.

Remember that we offer resources and support to help you if you're struggling because of an affair. You're not alone. Go to www.laurenlarusso.com/start-here

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC | Founder