Are You a "Good Person" Who Had an Affair?
- 3 days ago
- 3 min read
Here's one of the first things I hear from many of my unfaithful clients: "I'm a good person. I'm not the kind of person who would ever do something like this."
What I hear? "I'm a good boy/girl. I don't do bad things. How can I understand what I've done and still be the good person I, and everyone else, thought I was?" They are horrified at their own actions, and facing their behaviors and choices is a crisis of the self.
So let's dig in to how this happens. If you’re a rule follower, you probably value loyalty, responsibility, and doing things the right way. The problem is that constant compliance often asks you to quiet or dismiss your needs so you don't rock the boat. Over a lifetime of this, the pressure builds, and an affair can end up being a release valve (a destructive one), because it's a place to be seen, experience yourself with abandon, and to break a rule in secret.
The problem is that it's a destructive overcorrection. When you've been so good, you may end up being "so bad" to counterbalance how contained you've kept yourself.
Many rule followers are also perfectionists, which adds fuel to the spark that starts the fire. When your worth hangs on being good, there is no safe place for normal cravings like novelty, validation, or adventure. Asking for more feels wrong, so the impulse goes underground and returns as a private exception: “Just this once. I deserve it.”
The secrecy helps you avoid conflict. But it also blocks intimacy, and creates a breeding ground for shame. All of this perpetuates an affair.
What To Do About It
Healing means shifting from rules to values, and from avoiding conflict to telling simple truths. Practice choosing vulnerability and visibility over secrecy in small and repeatable ways. Bring the parts of you that crave aliveness into the relationship instead of banishing or silencing them. Over time, you're building a muscle that allows you to show up to life and relationships more authentically.
Here are three practices to help:
Rewrite your rules into values: List five personal “musts.” For each one, name the value underneath and create two or three flexible behaviors that honor it. Example: change “Do not be needy” to “Mutual respect.” Behaviors might include asking clearly for reassurance, scheduling a weekly check in, and receiving care without apology.
Build conflict tolerance with micro truths: Once a week, share a two minutes truth with your partner using “I want more of…” or “I want less of…”. The listener only reflects back, without fixing it. These reps teach your nervous system that honesty is survivable.
Design novelty on purpose: Co create a monthly curiosity date with a new setting, new roles, or new play. Choose planned aliveness over impulsive escape. Have fun, show up fully, and learn that you can be yourself in a flexible and open way in your relationship.
If you're already in an affair, and you're struggling with how to move forward, then the ALIGN Membership is for you. ALIGN is a private coaching and support community for people who are in an affair and want to get more clear and confident about getting their life back into alignment. You're not alone and you don't have to do this on your own! ALIGN is a robust and active community, and it's making a difference in its members lives.
I'd love to see you inside ALIGN, where I lead every month's group coaching call, live! You can learn more and join here.
And remember that here at Lauren LaRusso Coaching, we are dedicated to helping everyone involved and affected by an affair -- that's how the real healing happens.
