Criticism is Making Your Marriage More Vulnerable to an Affair

According to the groundbreaking research of John and Julie Gottman, four main behaviors are present in relationships that end in an affair and/or divorce. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The next four issues of Fidelity Factors will break down each of these "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse", as they are referred to by the Gottmans, and help you understand exactly how they place a marriage at extreme risk.

This week, we're focusing on how criticism makes a marriage more vulnerable to infidelity. While criticism may seem like a normal part of conflict, when it becomes a chronic pattern in a marriage it erodes the foundation of emotional safety. Unlike a complaint, which targets a specific behavior, criticism attacks a person’s character or worth. Over time, this kind of judgment leaves the criticized partner feeling inadequate, unappreciated, and emotionally distanced. When someone is repeatedly told they’re “selfish,” “lazy,” or “not good enough,” it chips away at their sense of belonging and connection within the relationship. 

This breakdown in emotional safety creates fertile ground for vulnerability to an affair. When criticism is woven into communication, partners often stop turning toward one another for comfort, affection, or support. The relationship becomes a place of tension and self-protection rather than refuge. As emotional needs go unmet and attempts to repair or reconnect are dismissed or deflected, one or both partners may unconsciously begin seeking validation, appreciation, or emotional intimacy elsewhere. The affair may not begin with intent at all. Rather, it may begin with someone simply listening, admiring, or affirming in a way that hasn’t been experienced at home in a long time. 

It’s important to understand that criticism doesn’t justify an affair (just as no factor does), but it does help explain the relational landscape in which one can occur. The partner who strays is often trying to escape the pain of rejection and disconnection, and find a place where they're valued again.

What To Do About It:

To start, develop a deeper understanding of the issue. Get a copy of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and become a student in what not to do, so you can become a steward of what to do instead.

Healing starts when both partners are willing to shift the pattern. It's extraordinarily powerful to create a relationship that shifts away from criticism and instead moves toward curiosity; that quiets the instinct to blame and instead focuses on personal responsibility.

Make it your goal to building a marriage where feedback is delivered with care and love. That's what makes room for growth and intimacy, and reduces the kind of emotional isolation that can make the arms of another so much more tempting.

Make your marital landscape one of relational safety, and you'll be surprised at how much intimacy and connection arises.

If you're already in an affair, consider joining our exclusive coaching and support community ALIGN. It's a membership dedicated toward helping those in an affair to gain clarity, personal resolution, and healing.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder