How A Lack of Self-Love Can Make Us Vulnerable to an Affair

I know this much from my personal and professional experience: when we are rich in authentic self-love, we're less likely to look outside of ourselves for what we already feel and have on the inside.

Conversely, when our sense of self-love is shaky, has significant gaps, or simply isn't there, we're far more vulnerable to needing this from others. The love of another fills the lack of love we feel within ourselves. In this vein, when we feel stable in our self-love, relationships feel additive, rather than needy or necessary to our sense of self.

In no uncertain terms, a shaky sense of self-love leaves us more vulnerable to the attention and affection of an affair. There's a subconscious ache of feeling not truly seen, chosen, or valued in our day-to-day life — not because we aren’t, but more because we don’t feel that way within ourselves.

An affair mirrors a more lovable version of ourselves than we feel.

Enter the affair: When someone else starts to reflect back a version of us that feels more lovable, more alive, or more worthy, it can take on a life of its own. In fact, the affair can feel like everything a person with voids in their self-love has been missing.

This leaves someone who struggles with self-love at risk for making decisions based on the temporary high of how the affair feels. They are more likely to overlook red flags, idealize the other person, and sacrifice their values in exchange for validation. It’s not that they don’t know better—it’s that the pain of not feeling good enough runs to deep to recognize with full consciousness. The affair becomes less about the other person and more about the longing to finally feel lovable.

What To Do About It

Developing a stable, solid sense of self-love is an INSIDE JOB. It takes time and work, but, as I always say, there is so much reward in the process.

It’s a slow, often quiet process of returning to yourself. Become your own frame of self-reference. Notice yourself looking outside for affirmation or worth, and gently return that gaze to the internal. This is a practice, and the more you do it, the easier and more reflexive this new pattern will become.

One of the most powerful ways to begin healing is also through inner child work — tending to the parts of you that were overlooked or made to feel unworthy. Our wounded inner child is the one who is looking outward for love, safety, and security. Our wise adult self is the version who knows they're worthy, loved, safe, and okay exactly as they are. You can do this work with a trusted therapist, and a great book to start your healing journey is How To Do The Work by Dr. Nicole LePera.

Additionally, our community memberships are a great place to start, and to practice, this journey of self-love. You can learn more about the THRIVE Membership for betrayed spouses here, and the ALIGN Membership for spouses in an affair and affair partners here.

Inside the memberships, learning and education is paired with empowerment and coaching to help you evolve in ways that strengthen your internal sense of self.

I'd love to see you inside the membership community that best serves you!

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder + Coach