How Low Self-Esteem Creates Vulnerability for an Affair
- Jun 27
- 2 min read
Low self-esteem can be a foundational vulnerability to infidelity, not because someone is inherently disloyal, but because they’re searching for something they feel is missing within themselves. In my practice I've seen a wide range of how a person's compromised sense of self-esteem contributes to an affair. When, deep down inside, a person doesn’t believe they’re lovable, worthy, or “enough,” the validation that comes from someone new can feel extremely powerful.
In this case, it’s not just about attraction. Instead, it’s more about being seen, chosen, and admired in ways they may struggle to offer themselves. The affair becomes a mirror, temporarily reflecting back a more desirable version of themselves. This external validation can feel like a lifeline, especially when inner criticism and self-doubt are constant companions.
People with low self-esteem may also have a harder time setting boundaries, advocating for their needs, or communicating honestly in their primary relationship. Instead of expressing dissatisfaction or insecurity, they may suppress their feelings out of fear; for example, fear of rejection, conflict, or not being taken seriously. Over time, this internal disconnection can create loneliness and emotional void, which makes the excitement and affirmation of an affair all the more appealing. In short, the affair becomes a shortcut to feeling good. Unfortunately, it often leads to more pain, reinforcing the very shame and self-criticism that fueled it in the first place.
All of us have gaps in our self-esteem. The way I think of it is in terms of how "externally focused" your sense of self is. If you catch yourself hungering for praise, compliments, being attractive, noticed, or seeming worthy in the eyes of others, you're not alone. Being "good enough" is a survival instinct, frankly. But the most evolved are those who gain that from an inner source; their validation comes from within, so they aren't so swayed by what does or doesn't come from others.
What To Do About It:Healing this part of yourself begins with learning how to become your own source of worth.
One powerful step is to build self-trust through small, consistent acts of integrity. This might look like keeping promises to yourself, setting limits, and making choices aligned with your values.
Second, challenge your inner critic by replacing distorted, negative self-talk with compassionate, reality-based affirmations. This rewires your self-perception over time.
And third, seek out environments that reinforce your wholeness and allow you to be who you are. This might mean surrounding yourself with people who reflect your strengths, investing in therapy or coaching, or joining a community where vulnerability and growth are celebrated.
Many of us need to build the self-esteem we've never had. Those old wounds from childhood and our formative years still whisper in our ear. But the path to your healthiest version is paved in knowing you're enough exactly as you are; and that external validation isn't the proof.
Remember: you aren't alone. If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, or schedule a confidential session.
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