Avoidance and Affairs

In my work here at Lauren LaRusso Coaching, the overlap between affairs and avoidance is tremendous. I'm glad to be able to shed light on the important connection in this week's Fidelity Factors.

Affairs are strongly connected to avoidance because, in short, instead of charging toward troubles in a relationship an avoidant person would be more likely to step away from them. Instead of leaning in to difficulties, an avoidant person would be more likely to lean out as a solution to their discomfort.  

Someone who avoids confrontation often prioritizes keeping the peace over expressing their true feelings. On the surface, they may seem agreeable, easygoing, or even overly accommodating; but underneath, they often hold unspoken resentment, unmet needs, or emotional disconnection. Rather than bringing up dissatisfaction, disappointment, or pain in their relationship, they suppress it. Over time, the void of emotional distance or unmet needs is filled by... another person.

In the escape of the affair, the person who has avoided relational confrontation feels tremendous relief. The affair is the place to finally express what they couldn’t voice in their primary relationship.

Avoiding confrontation doesn’t mean the person doesn’t feel strongly; rather, it means they don’t know how to navigate those feelings without fear of conflict, rejection, or escalation. They may worry that if they bring up a complaint, they’ll hurt their partner, start a fight, or be misunderstood. So instead, they channel those needs elsewhere. An affair becomes a tempting way to meet emotional or physical desires without having to risk uncomfortable conversations or face the deeper issues in the relationship.

What To Do About It

• Healing starts with building the courage to speak up. The first step is learning that conflict doesn’t equal catastrophe. Rather, it’s a normal, even healthy, part of a strong relationship. Practicing low-stakes honesty, like expressing preferences or saying “no” without overexplaining, can build confidence.

• Second, it helps to reframe confrontation as connection: a way to let your partner truly know you. We can trust a relationship with someone we know will let us know how they feel, when they're discontented, and when they need something more. Showing up fully through voicing your true self is a healthy (and essential) part of being IN relationship.

• Lastly, working with a therapist or communication coach can teach assertiveness skills, specifically, how to share thoughts and feelings clearly, directly, and kindly. Over time, learning to face discomfort instead of avoid it can lead to deeper, more authentic connection, and much less risk of betrayal. A therapist can help model or role-play assertion, while encouraging interpersonal safety, to create a corrective experience to the fear of confrontation.

If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, or schedule a confidential session.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC