How Unrealistic Expectations Fuel Infidelity

Here where we live at the beach, there's an evening ritual of gathering in our golf carts to watch the sunset over the water. The other night, my partner and I ran into our friends who are often there to catch sunset, too.

Sunset at our beach 

"It's our 22nd wedding anniversary!" they shared.

"Want to know what I think the secret is to a lasting relationship?" the husband offered.

"Happy wife, happy life!" the wife joked.

"Happy SPOUSE, happy house!" I added (it's time to make that saying a lot more mutual!).

"No, no, none of that!" the husband clarified. "The secret to a lasting relationship is having realistic and reasonable expectations."

Obviously, this is his opinion and his experience, and reasonable and realistic expectations have to be paired with other qualities like respect, trust, and being with another reasonable person. But he set the stage perfectly for an underlying issue I'd planned to spotlight in this week's issue of Fidelity Factors: unrealistic expectations.

When someone has unrealistic expectations in a relationship, for example about how love should feel, how a partner should behave, or how conflict should (or shouldn’t) arise, they may set themselves up for great disappointment... Disappointment that makes them believe things would be better elsewhere, or get their expectations met elsewhere.

The early stages of romance often create a powerful illusion of perfection, and when reality inevitably surfaces over the course of a long-term relationship with daily stresses, differences, and imperfections it can feel jarring or even intolerable. A person who holds unrealistic expectations of relationships believes that love should always feel easy, passionate, or fulfilling. Because of this, they might begin to see their relationship as flawed or lacking, making them more vulnerable to seeking excitement or validation elsewhere. The gap between expectation and reality can become fertile ground for disillusionment, resentment, and ultimately, betrayal.

Unrealistic expectations can also create emotional distance in a relationship. When one partner feels their needs should be met without having to communicate them, or expects their partner to just know what they want, they may end up feeling chronically dissatisfied. I see this a lot in my clinical practice! This unspoken disappointment can erode intimacy and connection over time. In contrast, the allure of an affair, where attention, admiration, and excitement often come easily in the beginning, can seem to offer the emotional experience they feel is missing. In this way, an affair can feel like an escape from the weight of unmet, often unspoken, expectations within the marriage or primary partnership.

What To Do About It

Healing this issue begins with cultivating realistic, compassionate views of both love and partnership. First, it’s vital to examine and challenge any idealized beliefs about relationships, whether learned from family, media, or past experience, and replace them with a more grounded understanding that love includes both joy and struggle, passion and effort. With my clients, I also explore their discomfort with their own humanity, flaws, and imperfections, as this is often a source of holding the same rigid standards for their partnership.

Second, learning to communicate needs and desires openly can bridge the gap between expectation and reality, fostering connection rather than disconnection. Taking the risk to be vulnerable about your expectations and the story you were telling yourself about getting them met, and what it feels like not to, can strengthen a relationship in huge ways.

Finally, practicing gratitude for the qualities your partner does bring to the relationship rather than focusing solely on what’s missing can shift your perspective and reduce the temptation to seek fulfillment outside the relationship. Affairs, especially, have a way of magnifying the negativity bias and stifling any of a relationships strengths. Be aware of this, and practice active gratitude to strengthen yourself against the facade an affair easily presents. One of the biggest complaints people have when they start an affair is that they didn't feel appreciated in their marriage. Often, this goes both ways. Practice appreciation in abundance, and it will flow.

Remember: you aren't alone. If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, or schedule a confidential session.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder + Coach