Sex and Affairs

I wish I could say that sex isn't everything, but the truth is that sex is the driving force underneath so much of our lives. Sex is the underlying factor that keeps industries like fitness, diet, and beauty booming. Sex sells movies, clothes, cars.... and, sex drives us to couple with each other, again and again and again.

In a marriage or long term relationship, sex can get confusing, mundane, obligatory, stale, neglected, performative, or even.... a place that doesn't honestly reflect each partner's true desires, needs, and expression.

When sexual needs feel unmet or ignored, resentment can build quickly. But, affairs happen even in marriages with healthy, solid sex lives; because the affair offers different sex, new sex, sex where that person can experience themselves differently and anew, kinky sex, illicit sex, or a style of sex that would otherwise feel taboo or shameful at home.

Affairs can look like a shortcut — a way to satisfy physical desire without the vulnerability of asking for change at home. The secrecy can even intensify the experience, making it feel more satisfying simply because it’s forbidden.

Sometimes an affair starts with sex, then becomes emotional. Sometimes the affair starts as an emotional connection, then crosses the line into sex. Sometimes, the infidelity is mostly about sex. Each situation is unique, and understanding your own is so important to personal healing.

What to Do About It

When I'm coaching my clients, it's no small task to help them gather the courage to start conversations that are long overdue. But if you don't speak honestly about your needs, without blame or shame, then you can't give your spouse the chance to co-create a better sex-life. Or, if there's a misalignment of desires and needs, you'll know this clearly and can take the next step to decide together what that means for each of you.

Get curious about what you want — physically and emotionally. Consider sex therapy, intimacy and eroticism workshops, or simply reading a book to help diversify your understanding of sex and intimacy. Here are a few:

Love Worth Making by Stephen Snyder, MD

Sex Talks by Vanessa Marin

Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski

I'd also recommend the Sex with Emily podcast. 

Take it slow, be patient with yourself and your partner, and see it as a worthy journey. Most of us (ok all of us) have carry ons from our childhood and upbringing that impact our sense of openness about sex.

And don't forget that as always, honest self-reflection, paired with realistic expectations, are critical.

If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, or schedule a confidential session.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder + Coach