When Sex and Love Addiction Fuels Infidelity

This week's Fidelity Factors on Sex and Love Addiction is well timed, because if you're a fan of the author Liz Gilbert, you'll know that her new memoir, "All the Way to the River" released just this week, too. In it, Liz details the harrowing, haunting, and hidden ride of what happens when a sex and love addict and a substance addict fall in love. The memoir is one of the most enlightening descriptions I've ever heard of what it's truly like to struggle and live with sex and love addiction. It's been an education for me, too. If you're wondering whether sex and love addiction is really a "thing", whether it might be underneath your struggles or the struggles of someone you care about, or even what it is, I recommend you get your hands on "All the Way to the River'" right now.

So let's dive in, because the intersection between infidelity and sex and love addiction is, no surprise, a hefty one. Sex and love addiction is hallmarked by a person who keeps chasing sex, relationships, and romance to feel more and feel better, even when it causes problems. A person who is struggling with a sex and love addiction may try to stop, but can’t for long. For example, a person might check their phone all day to see if someone texted them, start a new crush even while they’re in a relationship, or keep flirting online late at night to as a way to feel less lonely or stressed —even after promising themselves they would stop.

In recovery groups you’ll hear the powerful acronym "LAVA". It stands for 'Love, Attention, Validation, and Approval'. This is what a sex and love addict craves, chases, and loses their agency around. There is never enough love, attention, validation, or approval, and getting it feels truly like a high and helps that person feel safe, sane, and stable in a way they struggle to feel on their own. Being without it feels like the most terrifying prospect.

The quick “high” from LAVA feels good for a moment, then guilt shows up, so they chase more LAVA again. That keeps the cycle going. Michelle and I have worked with so many individuals and couples who, no matter how much love, care, or commitment is in the relationship, have been gutted by compulsive sex and love addiction behaviors. It's also important to understand that, instead of being a substance addiction, sex and love addiction is a process addiction. A process addiction is marked by persistent and compulsive behaviors; in this case, the behaviors that lead to receiving and obtaining love, approval, validation, and attention.

What To Do About It

Getting better means admitting in the first place that you have a problem, then seeking professional help.

1. Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA): Free meetings online or in person. 12-Step programs have the highest recovery rate of any addiction recovery programs.

2. Love Addicts Anonymous (LAA): Support for love/relationship addiction.

3. AASECT Therapist Finder: Find certified sex therapists for private help.

As I always say; you are not alone, and you don't have to keep struggling on your own. There is no shame, only courage and power in acknowledging that your life has become unmanageable and that it's time to seek help.

When sex and love addition is the underlying force to infidelity, it's so important to know, so that everyone affected understands what they're truly working with and trying to heal from.

If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do, all day, every day. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, or schedule a confidential session.

Together, we're transforming the experience of infidelity into the catalyst for unparalleled healing and growth.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder + Coach