Why Affair RELAPSE Is So Common

Affairs are often seen as the ultimate betrayal in relationships, and upon discovery, many believe that the affair will automatically come to an end. This expectation is particularly common among betrayed spouses, and even the unfaithful partner may think that the affair will cease once it's exposed. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Affair relapses are more common than one might expect, and understanding why this happens is crucial for everyone involved in the aftermath of infidelity.

The Reality of Relapses

After an affair is uncovered, a betrayed spouse typically expects the affair to end. The prospect of the unfaithful spouse choosing to prioritize the marriage and cut off all contact with the affair partner is seen as a given. However, many betrayed spouses are shocked to find that this is not always how things pan out. Immediate apologies and promises to end the affair are sometimes made, yet contact may continue, unbeknownst to the betrayed partner. This can involve exchanging messages, calls, or even meeting in person.

The Strength of Attachment

One reason that ending an affair is so challenging is that the relationship formed within the affair can be extraordinarily powerful. The attachment between the unfaithful spouse and the affair partner takes on a life of its own. While the betrayed spouse assumes their marriage is the sole intimate relationship, the truth is that their partner has been investing emotionally, and sometimes materially, in someone else.

This leads to a significant problem: withdrawal from the affair can be intensely painful. Cutting off contact is not just about breaking away from a person but also involves dealing with grief and withdrawal symptoms. The unfaithful spouse might feel an overwhelming urge to reach out for validation and escape from the chaos at home.

Facing Withdrawal and Grief

When ending an affair, unfaithful partners face the dual challenges of withdrawal and grief. It is a real relationship with real emotional investment, and severing that connection can lead to intense feelings of loss. The pressure at home from an upset spouse can add to this difficulty, making it tempting to revert to what feels familiar and affirming.

The unfaithful partner might rationalize their desire to check on their affair partner as a means of caring for them, but often, it satisfies their own emotional needs. Sitting in the discomfort of withdrawal, dealing with the lack of positive reinforcement from the affair partner, and being faced with the reality of a home in turmoil can lead to inevitable moments of weakness and relapse.

The Double Grief

Both parties in the aftermath of an affair experience profound grief. The betrayed spouse grieves the marriage they believed they had, the future they envisioned, and the betrayal of trust. Meanwhile, the unfaithful spouse grapples with the emotional turmoil of leaving a relationship that was real and meaningful to them. They face questions of whether they will ever move past the affair and regain trust in themselves.

The Path to Recovery

Recovery from an affair requires substantial personal work. For the unfaithful partner, it involves grieving the loss of their affair and focusing on mending the marriage. For both partners, this means facing uncomfortable truths, engaging in recovery work, and living with the reality of grief. Trust can be rebuilt, but it takes immense effort and commitment from both parties.

If you find yourself entangled in the aftermath of an affair, whether as the unfaithful or the betrayed partner, remember that recovery is possible. Understanding the intricacies of withdrawal, attachment, and grief can aid in navigating the complex path towards healing. You are not alone, and support is available to guide you through this challenging time. Ensure you're informed and seek support when needed, as you continue on your path toward recovery.

For more in-depth guidance, consider exploring specialized resources like the Decision Making Method for Unfaithful Spouses for individuals in affairs to get clarity, the Survive to Thrive Masterclass for betrayed spouses, and the Finding Freedom Masterclass for affair partners.

You can learn more about this by watching my YouTube Video on the topic.

Remember that we offer resources and support to help you if you're struggling because of an affair. You're not alone. Go to www.laurenlarusso.com/start-here

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC | Founder & Coach