Why Good Marriages Can End with Infidelity

What do Belle Burden, Jen Hatmaker, Maggie Smith, and myself have in common? Our seemingly picture-perfect marriages ended due to infidelity, with no prior indication that our spouses were unhappy. Let's delve into the unseen issues that can lead to such heart-wrenching ends.

The Picture-Perfect Illusion

It often feels like we are building the perfect life, with a happy family and fulfilling marriage. However, normal marital disagreements and moments of disconnection can eventually lead to larger problems without us even realizing it. Vows may be taken with the intention of longevity, but discovering an affair can suddenly alter everything.

Avoidance: The Silent Crisis

Avoidance, both in terms of conflict and as a broader attachment style, plays a key role in leading someone to engage in an affair. This avoidance often leaves the betrayed spouse grappling with questions: Was the affair rationalized by exaggerated complaints, or did these issues truly exist without any prior disclosure?

It's haunting when a life unravels without knowing what was real. Was deception part of the narrative to justify an affair, or were those issues real, yet never communicated? The root of such confusion lies in avoidance—conflict avoidant behavior and avoidant attachment styles frequently lead partners to step outside their marriage.

Understanding the roots of avoidance—often originating in childhood due to overbearing environments or unrealistic expectations—can be crucial. While it may serve as a coping mechanism, it can lead to relationship dysfunction if carried into adulthood.

Seeking Guidance and Clarity

Many people come to see me, or my colleague Michelle, our head infidelity coach, for guidance on choosing between an affair and their marriage. A common theme is that the concerns shared with us are often never communicated fully to their spouse. Without clearly voiced needs and concerns, the distinction between minor marital disagreements and a marital crisis may be overlooked.

Expressing dissatisfaction requires depth and intensity, one which avoidant individuals often sidestep. This lack of communication means important conversations and decisions aren't made until it's too late. Stepping into an affair can feel intoxicating, weaving a new narrative that questions the legitimacy of the marriage. The affair presents itself as a comfortable haven, devoid of conflict, which can further amplify the dissatisfaction felt in a marriage.

Moving Forward and Seeking Support

Authors like Belle Burton, Jen Hatmaker, Maggie Smith, and I have all shared our experiences of being blindsided by revelations of dissatisfaction and affairs. If we had been aware of the depths of these issues, our responses could have been different, even if the marriages didn't survive.

Marriage requires confronting discomfort and vulnerability. Ending a marriage without full communication or presence of willingness to "go to the mat" indicates a deeper pattern of avoidance. If you're dealing with infidelity, remember you're not alone.

For those struggling with infidelity, know that you're not alone. Through dedicated self-reflection and growth, you'll forge a path toward becoming someone who comprehends and trusts their place in any relationship.

For more in-depth guidance, consider exploring specialized resources like the Decision Making Method for Unfaithful Spouses for individuals in affairs to get clarity, the Survive to Thrive Masterclass for betrayed spouses, and the Finding Freedom Masterclass for affair partners.

You can learn more about this by watching my YouTube Video on the topic.

Remember that we offer resources and support to help you if you're struggling because of an affair. You're not alone. Go to www.laurenlarusso.com/start-here

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC | Founder & Coach