The Golden Child Who Has an Affair

As paradoxical as it sounds, an affair can sometimes stem from being too... perfect. Enter the golden child, who spends a lifetime being exactly what others need them to be.

If you were the golden child, you likely grew up praised for your achievements, your composure, your responsibility. You were the one who made life easier for everyone else; your parents, your teachers, maybe even also your siblings. The cost of the praise a golden child receives can be your authenticity. And this is, under the surface, what can make a golden child vulnerable to infidelity.

Over time, love and performance become synonymous. As the golden child, you became the person who always shows up, always does the right thing, always puts others first. But when your true self never has the chance to be known, or when your own needs, desires, or emotions never had room to exist, a few factors surprise even you when they turn out to be very alluring: 

• Misbehaving, or acting out, from resentment of your own perfection and always doing the right thing.

• The martyrdom of over-giving can lead a golden child to overcorrect by taking something back for themselves... in the form of an affair.

• The reflection of who you are in another person's eyes... anew.

For example, my client, Sarah, had spent her life being the “strong one.” She married young, built a stable home, and raised her children with devotion. On paper, everything looked perfect. But under the surface, she was exhausted from decades of performing. When someone came along who saw her — the parts she had never allowed to flourish in herself — it felt intoxicating. It wasn’t just about attraction. It was about being seen without needing to be perfect. It was about being known, loved, and wanted exactly as she was.

Does that resonate for you at all? For the golden child, an affair can feel like the first time you’re allowed to be someone real, someone messy, someone deeply human... and possible, someone free.

What To Do About It

1. Allow yourself to be imperfect... and sit through the discomfort.The golden child has to live in the antidote, where they sit in interactions and situations where they don't lead, fix, or impress. Let someone witness your disappointment, anger, or uncertainty. Don't be afraid to be wrong, or have done something wrong. Slow down the old reactions around perfectionism.

2. Explore your unmet needs.Ask yourself honestly: “What do I need that I’ve never given myself permission to want?” Affairs often meet a need that’s long been ignored, for example, emotional intimacy, freedom, play, or self-expression. You don’t need an affair to access those needs. What I find is that my golden child clients most often need awareness, permission, and sometimes, a new language for asking.

3. Shift your worth from doing to being.Try something you’re not great at, just because it brings you joy. Let go of the pressure to shine. Let yourself rest. Let yourself disappoint someone. These small rebellions against the golden child role help build the self-trust that keeps you grounded, even when temptation calls. Again, slow down your old patterns and make way for new ways of being.

I hope this information has served as an invitation for further self-inquiry and enlightenment. Understanding our deeper workings helps us to transcend societal labels about infidelity, and use the experience as a gateway to greater self-awareness and empathy. And that is the most powerful force of healing for all parties.

Remember: you aren't alone. If you need help because of an affair, we're here for you -- it's what we do. You can explore self-help resources that are expertly designed to help unfaithful spouses, affair partners, and betrayed spouses move forward, or schedule a confidential session.

Don't delay... your best life is waiting on the other side of what's, right now, the hardest thing you've likely ever faced.

Lauren LaRusso, LPC, LMHC // Founder + Coach